Empathy Overload: When Caring Turns Into Carrying Others

When a client is in a leadership or care-giving profession, it can be almost impossible not to become emotionally invested in the people around them; problems, objectives and causes of others can become important to the client as well. Most of the time, this investment in others is part of what makes them good at their job. 

As mentors, coaches and supervisors, we have likely experienced this feeling ourselves. When we care about the people around us, we want to help them find solutions, happiness and peace. This is only expected. But we also know what happens when a person becomes too involved. There are problems that are out of control, outside of our expertise or simply inappropriate to engage with too deeply. When a person has an unhealthy or unrealistic need to fix a situation, it usually means something deeper is going on inside them. So how can we help them to explore the situation and recognise if they need to step back? 

The first step is understanding why. These are some common reasons:

Triangulation

Occurs when one person takes sides with another, automatically pitting them both against the third party. Whether the cause is valid or not, taking sides can be problematic, especially if the client is in a leadership position. Allegiance and collaboration can turn into collusion and create an us-versus-them mentality which is destructive and divisive for the team as a whole. This doesn’t mean the cause is right or wrong, but rather that it might be best to approach the issue objectively or refer them to someone who can.

Transference

Occurs when a person redirects feelings from past relationships onto new people. When a situation feels especially emotionally heightened, it could be because a person is triggered by similarities to something from the past. For example, your client hears a coworker complaining about being mistreated by their manager, which reminds them of a similar situation in which they were mistreated by an authority figure. The client might project their unresolved anger from the past onto the current situation, even though they are entirely separate. Big question – are they just picking up someone’s emotional pain here? Is it causing a bias? 

Personal challenges

Personal challenges in a client’s personal life can increase the need they feel to address other people’s issues. They might be overwhelmed by their caring role, frustrated by a lack of control over life’s difficulties, putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or feeling pressure from others, or simply having trouble saying no to helping people.

Here are questions regarding their role as mentors, coaches and supervisors that we should guide our clients to explore.

1. Own what’s mine: Do I need to take action? What is the action? Who should be involved? Is it my job to take action to advocate for others or am I overstepping my role? 

2. Share: Is this a case where I should delegate or refer my client to someone else? If it is not within my role to take action, or it is an issue beyond my competency, I can still help by deferring them to another person who is better suited to help them. 

3. Support: Is my role a supporting one? Do I walk alongside my client as a guide or as an emotional support? For example, if a client is after a payrise, but I have no control over payroll, I can encourage them to speak to the right people, to advocate for themselves and to manage their finances if the answer is no. 

4. Release: Is this issue outside of my control? There are causes that are not my responsibility. If there is no way to help without overstepping my role, it is time to let it go. 

Reflections

Think about those in your care. Where do I see empathy overload?

How did I respond, and what was my intervention?

What questions could I have asked?

What’s next:

Who is my safe person to confidentially process my interactions with those I care for and lead?