Let it Go: Releasing and Forgiving 

Two weeks ago, we examined bitterness and anger, and the cost it can have on our lives. The ability to forgive can relieve us of negative emotional weight and so benefit our well-being. Jesus gave us the master class in forgiveness, asking his Father to forgive the very people who betrayed him and sent him to his death. But… we’re not Jesus. Sometimes, even though we know that Jesus would forgive, we can’t bring ourselves to do it. We keep fueling our anger by refusing to forgive, and it escalates. 

There is a gradient of anger: what can begin as a normal reaction to an offence can become something much darker. I’ve seen simple workplace disputes or broken relationships negatively impact and shape a person, even years down the road. 

This is the pattern I have perceived:

The Offence: The initial crossing of a boundary that leaves us feeling insulted, disrespected, or wronged. The action or behaviour (or lack thereof) does not align with our ethical beliefs, and is not the way we believe we should be treated.

Building Resentment: When we are angry, we tend to replay the offence in our minds again and again, and each time we feel the sting, the hurt, the unfairness again. We fixate on the details of the offence or the offender themselves, sometimes looking back and tallying past wrongdoings. 

Sustaining a Grudge: A grudge is anger hardening into something more permanent. It is a deliberate decision to withhold trust and focus on the negative aspects of a person or a situation. A grudge is more than resentment; it is maintaining a distance with the person. It is a certainty that “I’m right” while ruminating and becoming fixated on a misdeed and holding the door closed to reconciliation. 

Long-lasting Bitterness: When resentment and grudges solidify into a cynical worldview. It reinforces the victim’s thinking that others “have done me wrong”… even if that may be partially true. This thinking is reinforced to the point where it is not just the misdeed the person has done that is bad; it is the person themselves. Bitterness results and reconciliation becomes increasingly difficult, while bitterness spreads to anything associated with the person: their family, friends, or culture until goodness is no longer seen in them. 

We can see the progression here. Most people, after they have been wronged, aren’t immediately making the choice to become bitter. However, the longer a person shut themselves off from possible reconciliation, the easier it is to slide into bitterness. A lot of unforgiveness is built around record-keeping; tallying up all the mistakes and flaws of a person until it becomes hateful. However, love keeps no record of wrongs. When Jesus died, he took away the list of any wrongdoing we have done. 

Colossians 2:13-14 (NLT)

¹³ You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. ¹⁴ He cancelled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 

Releasing resentment

Releasing resentments of others isn’t about excusing wrongs. Abuse, for example, is wrong and shouldn’t be swept under the rug, or addressed with just a ‘slap on the wrist’. There are times when people need to face consequences. We also need to be aware of our own safety and the safety of others. Reconciling with an abuser can be very unsafe, for example. There are some relationships that are irreparable after certain events, and there are times when reconciliation is not only difficult, but unwise. 

That said, we can find forgiveness within ourselves, even when we choose to distance ourselves from the person.  It is really about what is going on inside us. Our resentment, grudges, and bitterness are truly hurting us and our own lives more than they affect the person who hurt us. We can take deliberate actions to release these feelings, allowing the possibility for forgiveness and reconciliation. This springs from the person of Jesus and his relationship towards us; we are called to be like him. 

Tips for forgiveness: 

• Stop keeping records of another person’s sins.
• Set healthy boundaries instead of building a grudge. Proactive thing: how can I look after and protect myself? Who can help me if I need help?
• Deal with your anger. Talk to a mentor, supervisor or coach about how to stop fixating on others’ wrongdoings, and where to direct that energy.
• Revisit the original offence with a fresh perspective. Is holding on to the anger worth the loss of the relationship?
• Ask yourself how Jesus would react.
• Begin to look for the good in a person. If you are only seeing the bad, you are seeing it from the wrong perspective. Jesus loves us all, and we should do our best to see others through His eyes. 

Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)

³² Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Reflection:

• Where in my life am I holding resentment? 
• How far has this resentment moved towards bitterness?
• How do I feel when I revisit the initial offence? 
• Who can I speak to about letting go of my anger?