The Hidden Cost of Unforgiveness

There is an old adage: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” While the expression’s origins are unknown, the saying’s profound truth has kept it alive. Holding on to anger and refusing forgiveness not only harms others but also damages ourselves. This is why “demonstrates forgiveness” is one of our behavioural expressions. 

How are you going with demonstrating forgiveness?

Answer these four questions, rating how frequently each statement is true: ( 1- Never, 2- Rarely, 3- Sometimes, 4 – Often, 5 – Always)

1. I release grudges and resentments toward others

1           2           3          4          5

2. I am able to forgive those who have hurt me

1           2           3          4          5

3. I seek reconciliation in broken relationships

1           2           3          4          5

4. I do not hold onto bitterness

1           2           3          4          5

Holding on to anger

There are many reasons a person may choose not to forgive. Disappointments, betrayal, rejection (both those caused deliberately and those that were not intentional) can cut deep and stir up anger. Anger is a powerful emotion which if not dealt with will result in bitterness. 

• Physically: Holding on to unnecessary bitterness can have physical side effects. Long-term anger leads to chronic stress and anxiety, can interfere with our sleep and eventually impact our immune system. 
• Emotionally: When a person dedicates time and energy to anger, replaying the offense over and over in their mind and fixating on the perpetrator, it is like picking at a scab so it can never heal. It is using emotional energy that could be directed towards a more positive outlet. 
• Mentally: Anger mentally links us to the person we are angry at. It’s like a tether we refuse to cut. The person we are holding bitterness towards may or may not be impacted by our feelings at all, but we are always allowing the impact to control us. 
• Relationally: The most obvious side effect is that anger digs a chasm between people and eventually destroys the relationship. It can even impact people who have nothing to do with the offense; the tensions and stress we hold can distract us from the people we love, or even slide into our emotions towards people who do not deserve our anger. 

There are times when a relationship is irrevocably damaged by certain actions, but sometimes anger clouds our judgement and prevents us from seeing the larger picture. We become entrenched in the idea that we are “right” and the other person is “wrong”. But how often is the situation so black-and-white? I have discovered again and again how complicated conflict is, and both sides have their own goals, justifications and hurt feelings. This is not to say that “right” and “wrong” don’t exist or that they don’t matter, but when it comes to conflict, the most important issue to focus on is whether the relationship matters more than the transgression. 

Looking towards Jesus

When we look at Jesus, we see him forgive over and over again. We know that he was capable of anger, but even as he was being betrayed and facing his own death, he begged God for his persecutors’ forgiveness. “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV). His goal was to create the ultimate relationship, full of love and forgiveness, between himself and us. Forgiveness does not always come easily or quickly, and sometimes the damage is too deep to reconcile, but letting go of anger and embracing empathy and grace for the other person will lighten our emotional load, and free us to move forward. Jesus came to show us this: even when we have been deeply wronged and nothing can undo that hurt, forgiveness is still possible when we choose love over bitterness.

Reflection Questions:

Where in my life am I holding anger? 

How has holding bitterness affected me? 

Is fueling my anger worth losing the relationship it is affecting?